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This evening I'm taking an opportunity to respond off-air to this morning’s scurrilous on-air allegations directed at Macy McGoo, canine candidate for Mayor of Rabbit Hash.
Lucy's Spokesperson (on-air): Macy is 6 months old... too young and inexperienced
Macy's Spokesperson (off-air): First off, I think we can all agree that candidate eligibility requirements were questionable at best and designed to give just about every sap a chance to throw their hat in the ring. That said, the candidates range in age from 1 year (Macy) to 8 years (Noggin). At 18 months, Lucy’s seniority is a round-off error in dog time. The important thing to look at is where the candidates stand on issues and what their actions reveal.
Unlike other breeds that are tethered to a hind tit for weeks, Ibizan Hounds (bred as rabbit hunters) wean at 7 weeks and can begin chewing raw food (bones, red meat, fish, poultry, pork, deer, rabbit, my fingers) within a week. As an elder pup in a litter of 11, Macy grew up quickly and assumed a leadership role in her pack. The girl started her campaign on a Raw Food Diet platform and has consistently promoted this as a healthy alternative to popular grain-based pet feed. The bitch can catch AND eat her own dog food! Who else can make that claim? Her recent partnership with BARFWorld (http://www.barfworld.com/) demonstrates the seriousness of this candidate and her desire to raise awareness amongst domesticated species (including humans). What SERIOUS issues are her more experienced opponents chewing on? None… zilch… nada… zip! Yes... (winding up to toss a bone) Lucy may be a terrific unofficial tour guide but do people who were able to find their way to Rabbit Hash -- no simple feat -- really need a tour guide to help them zero in on the General Store? Have you been there? It's four buildings (including the new out-house) within a stone throw of each other. That's like an unwelcome bum at a red traffic light who scurries up to your car and spit-cleans your windshield for change. Yeah... sign me up for the concierge service. Here are some of the other issues Macy will invest her energy in:
- Free passage of canines and felines in/out of the General Store
- Expanding our economic base without diminishing our unique community
- Humane treatment of pets and animals
Angry Guys (on-air): She's got some crazy eyes and a fish in her mouth... scary!
Macy's Spokesperson (off-air): That's her Derek Zoolander "blue steel" all-business look. She's a hunter... not a herder! If you'd like a more provocative "come hither" head shot, we can certainly make that happen in exchange for a small donation to RHHS. Remember... we need $20K to "shore-the-store".
Angry Guys (on-air): ... you can't have a rabbit hunter in Rabbit Hash.
Macy's Spokesperson (off-air): Hmmm... I suppose they could have used tofu instead of rabbit in their hash.
Lucy's Spokesperson (on-air): Macy has only visited town 3 times?
Macy's Spokesperson (off-air): Wow... somebody's been peek'n out the window. Macy's owners made their home on the outskirts of the Hash near 20 years ago. They're simple folk that live a quiet life on an abandoned stretch of Rabbit Hash Road overlooking the Gunpowder Creek valley. It’s not a movie set… it’s the real deal… the rural flip side of the downtown Rabbit Hash coin. It looks and feels the same as it did a hundred years ago. Just count the stack of bashed-in oil pans and mufflers in the garage and you’ll get the picture. Macy travels to town throughout the year without entourage AND not for quick photo-ops. Like the farmers of old, she spends a majority of her time in the field, in the woods hunting and playing with her peeps. When she visits town for commerce, she sits a spell and then leaves. She doesn't loiter on the porch hope’n some poor unsuspecting visitor will drop a scrap of food in front of her. If that’s the kind of inside-the-beltway behavior we’re looking for in our mayor -- A DOG LOOK'N FOR A HANDOUT -- then vote for some other critter!
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